January 29th was a huge day for celebrity birthdays. Most notably, mine and Oprah’s.

Immigrants are scared. The LGBTQA community is scared. Men, women and children with even a morsel of empathy or intuition are scared. And this orange putz loves every second of it.

In years past I had unattainable New Year’s resolutions—  like exercising or reading a book—  but I’ve gotten a lot more realistic since then. In 2025 I have but one, simple goal…

Become a Billionaire.

Author’s Disclaimer: This essay started as a deep dive into the mysterious New Jersey drones but morphed into an exploration of how we unfairly hate things we barely understand—like New Jersey and Blake Lively.

Please enjoy.

New introductions are daunting, aren’t they? How do I best represent myself to someone who doesn’t know anything about me? I could say anything I wanted to make myself look impressive, and you wouldn’t be the wiser— but I respect you too much for that.

Alright, here’s my one area of expertise. Ready…