Why I’m Not Going to the Office Christmas Party this Year
(and neither should you)
It's not often I get invited to parties. And that’s a good thing, because I wouldn’t go if I was invited! And, trust me, it’s not that people don’t want me at their parties. They want me there alright. They just don’t invite me anymore because they already know the answer. I'm not a party kinda guy. I don't want to be anywhere that's not in my apartment.
That’s why everyone was so shocked when they asked if I’d be attending the office Christmas party this year and I said, “I’ll be there with bells on!” But there’s no way in hell I’m going. You know how I know that? Because the office Christmas party started an hour ago, and here I am— on my couch, in my jammies typing this.
“Well, Geno, why did you say you was going to the party and then you doesn’t go to the party—Hmmm?? You got some ‘splaining to do!”
You know what? I’m glad you asked that question.
As I see it, there are 327 reasons why I did not want to attend the holiday party this year. Some of which being, in no particular order:
It’s cold out.
It’s damp out.
It’s a bowling party and I’m not big on games.
It’s 4.9 miles away- that might as well be Mars.
It would have been a $40 cab ride round trip- I wouldn’t pay that if it was MY party.
By train it’s 46 minutes away. What train is that? Polar Express?
I’m depressed.
Again—It’s bowling.
It’s taking place on my day off.
Not in the mood for small talk.
I just don’t want to!
There are still 316 more reasons…But I’ll spare you.
However, the ONE and ONLY reason I could think of to attend the party:
To avoid the guilt trip.
Now I ask you this:
Is that really reason enough to go to a party? To go through all of this pain just so you don’t have to hear, “Where were you last night?”, in a condescending tone over and over again? At 43 years young I’m supposed to make myself miserable; spend time, money, and small talk I don’t have to give, just to avoid the fucking guilt trip of NOT going bowling?? ON MY DAY OFF!?!
There have been many times I have fallen victim to this trap. But tonight is not one of them. Guilt be damned! Tonight I will be cozy on this couch with my fiance and my puggle, Penny. We will smoke weed, eat good food, and watch the 2016 film, oddly enough titled, “Office Christmas Party”, starring Jason Bateman and Jennifer Aniston. (Fun fact: the movie was filmed a few short blocks from where I’m currently watching it) It’s not what I would call a good movie. But I’d rather be on my couch watching a mediocre movie about an Office Christmas Party than to be at an awesome office Christmas party that is not on my couch.
And if you can relate to any of this, then I see no reason for you to go to your office Christmas party either.
Fight the power.
Stay cozy.
And take the guilt trip. It can’t be worse than going to the party.
Love, Geno
