Why I’m Thinking About Becoming a Billionaire This Year — And So Should You!
Cartoon by Ann Telnaes - former cartoonist for the Washington Post. At the top of the steps, just off screen, is Trump, the recipient of the billionaires’ offerings. Ann recently quit the Post after they refused to publish this cartoon. The Washington Post is owned by Jeff Bezos. I stand with Ann.
In years past I had unrealistic, unattainable New Year’s resolutions— like exercising or reading a book— but I’ve gotten way more sensible since then. In 2025 I have but one, simple goal…
Become a Billionaire.
The way I see it, becoming a billionaire is way better than getting in shape or learning how to read. It’s about power! The kind of power where you could easily donate millions to an incoming president, all because you’re scared he’s gonna fuck with you if you don’t. Now that’s power.
You know what billionaires do? They go to freakin’ outer space! Meanwhile, us hundredaires have to ride trains and buses with other smelly hundredaires — and sometimes even people who have no money at all! It’s disgusting.
When I become a billionaire (hopefully by summertime) I'm gonna be a way better billionaire than the current billionaires. I might even donate some of my money for good causes— like scientific research to see if they can make me immortal. And I certainly wouldn’t have multiple mansions all over the place like these jerks. I’d have no more than 3 mansions. And nothing too showy, either. Humble mansions, with most of my expenses going to an invisible forcefield and a few defense missiles in my front yard. Another portion of my money will also go to disaster relief, like building an exact replica of my mansion underground– in case there’s some sort of disaster.
And guess what America? I will make it my mission to feed every single civilian in this country — once a year, on my birthday. I’ll buy everyone a dish of rigatonis and chocolate cake, whether they want it or not. For one day, I’ll literally cure world hunger in America. I’ve already looked into it and if I can keep my costs to 50 cents per person, feeding the entire country would only cost $170 million! And since it’s charity, it’s probably a tax write-off. I don’t see that baldy, Bezos, or that maniac, Musk doing this. And after I feed the country they’ll probably turn my birthday into a holiday, so it would be worth $170 million just from that aspect alone.
The other benefit of me becoming a billionaire is that I will have to pay less in taxes, which is really awesome because, as a hundredaire, I’m always giving the government way too much. As the world gets increasingly worse for normal people, my billions will mysteriously multiply. I don’t really understand the technicalities of that yet but I’m sure there’s some YouTube videos I could watch. But here’s the good news: the more money I make, the more I can spend on disaster relief (my underground bunker).
To tell you the truth, I’m ashamed I didn’t think of becoming a billionaire sooner. It would’ve saved me a lot of hassle. Now all I have to do is figure out how to make the money.
Whatever your goals may be this year– Dream big! The world’s gonna blow up soon anyway.
And you know who’s gonna blow it up?
A BILLIONAIRE!
Goodnight peasants.
Love, Geno
