What’s More Terrifying: Remaining Invisible or Truly Being Seen?
Welcome to a brand new series where I really take a look inside to try find who I truly am.
This— is FINDING GENO.
“Finding Geno” logo.
Episode 1: “BEING SEEN”
“Sometimes I can’t decide which is more terrifying. Remaining invisible or being truly seen.”
-me (last night)
All my life I’ve felt like an outsider. An only child to older parents. The little Italian and Lebanese kid with weird hair and a big nose who wanted to be the next Michael Jackson, surrounded by rich, athletic, mostly Irish American kids who wanted to become whatever their parents were so they could join the country club and talk about college basketball all day. Needless to say, I spent many days on the recess field sitting with a notebook writing songs and stories while the other animals played whatever they played.
And, now— in the age of social media —a time when all the oddballs and misfits of the world can finally form a community—
I feel more outside than ever.
I’ve never fully understood social media. The whole thing has just been weird and unnatural for me. Whether it was Myspace or YouTube, Facebook or Instagram, Twitter or TikTok, no matter the platform I always played an ironic character version of myself— dumb, egomaniacal, angry, antagonistic, clueless, out of touch. I thought playing a character would protect me. If people didn’t like what they saw, it wasn’t really me they were rejecting, just some dude I made up. But after a while, I wasn’t sure where the character ended and I began.
I never realized it at the time, but it’s clear I felt safer behind a character. Subconsciously I’m sure it was also a way for me to deflect any criticism I received. Joke bombs— wasn’t me, it was an ironic version of me. But I was the only person enjoying it. Me and maybe 3 other people who “got” what I was doing, And that got me— absolutely nowhere. For I had committed the golden sin: Not being authentic. And for that sin I’ve paid dearly.
I’m an entertainer with no fans.
Even Pauly Shore has fans!
You’d think over the past 30 years I would have gained at least a little traction toward my dreams. Even like- 5 loyal fans would make sense. I’ve been everything from a rapper, actor, singer, songwriter, screenwriter, radio host, and stand up comedian, and through all of these front-facing endeavours, when it comes to being seen— I’m practically invisible!
But, you know what?
Maybe there’s a huge part of me that likes it that way. It feels safer here. And I can always get that dopamine from trying to figure out how to grow my audience, as opposed to having an audience and dealing with the fear of losing them.
Because it all comes down to fear.
Fear of being boring. That’s a huge one for me. Fear of being un-likable. Fear of being judged by people back in my hometown. Fear of reading a critical comment about myself that might hit a little too close to home. Fear of finally being plucked out of obscurity to entertain millions– but it’s an ad for hair loss medicine. And as a result of my fears, I’ve self sabotaged for decades to remain at the safe status quo.
And it’s not just about being seen for who I am on the inside. Physically, I’ve never loved being seen either. I’ve always been hyper-aware of the things I wish I could change—my hair, my nose, the way my face never quite matches the version of me I picture in my head. Essentially, my whole life I’ve been trying to hide behind something, whether it’s a character, a joke, or just the right camera angle. Hiding behind personas, hoodies, hats, beards, and sunglasses.
But if I’m being truly honest in this project—if I’m really on the journey to Find Geno—Then I have to confront that too. The fear of being fully seen, inside and out.
So, will I get comfortable with who I truly am, and start to build a following in the process? Will my hairline grow back where it once was? Will we all learn something about ourselves along the way?
Or, in the end, will I always be that little kid sitting off to the side at recess, jotting down his ideas for an audience of one?
